So lately I have been all over the map in terms of emotions towards God and life, God of course being the center of life. I've been enamoured with the world around me and the people I have had the immense pleasure of knowing and spending time with. I've been reminded of God's mercy and faithfulness to me and other people. On the other hand, I've felt helpless as I walked amongst people on the street who have no hope and are physically distraught, addicted, and/or oppressed. I don't understand why they have to suffer and why there is nothing I can do to make their situation go away.
On a more personal level, this past year has been an emotional ride in itself as I have found, met, and gotten to know my birth mother. I have been elated to discover a woman who loves me and accepts me and does not harbor regret. I have been delighted to see for the first time hints of myself in people who I am related to by blood. I have been overwhelmed with the love and support of my family as they have walked through this time of uncertainty and newness with me. And yet, in the midst of all of God's goodness to me and around me, there is a part of me (a larger part of me than I want to admit) that is ungrateful to God. I find myself deep down wanting to shake my fist at the One who loves me more than I will ever know because I don't understand His ways. I don't understand why it was his will for me to be born out of wedlock, to be adopted, to be reunited, and to be where I now am with a beautiful but frankly sometimes complicated family situation. I am grateful for God's tender hand that has designed every fiber of my being and every moment of my time on this earth, and I am simultaneously bitter at how He has chosen to weave that design. I know that when I shake my fist at God like this, I am proving the power of my flesh over my spirit. I feel like His ungrateful child, not understanding the breadth and width and depth of His love for me because I cannot see or know all that He knows.
I saw another picture of this fickle ungratefulness in my nephew this past week, on his 4th 
birthday. His daddy (my brother), who loves him unconditionally and with the patience that only a father can extend to his own son, bought him a bright red bicycle complete with training wheels and a shiny bell on the handlebars. This bike is a little boy's dream come true. When it was unveiled to Ben for the first time, however, he exhibited no joy, no excitement , no thankfulness or gratitude. His countenance exhibited contempt towards his daddy and disgust at the beautiful new bicycle. (I don't really know why this was his first reaction. It got better later, but let's focus on the initial reaction.) It must have been tough for his daddy to see, in a moment of sheer joy at providing such a glorious gift to his son, a response of disgust rather than ecstatic surprise. And this must be the same sunken feeling that my Heavenly Father has when I respond to his precious gifts to me with an air of disappointment. I am repenting even now for such a lack of faith, such a lack of trust in the ways of my Father. He takes great delight in showering me with love and affection. I hope that my countenance inside and out will respond less with discontentment and more and more with gratefulness. The beautiful thing is that it is not my response that fuels or earns God's love for me. He chooses to love me regardless.
birthday. His daddy (my brother), who loves him unconditionally and with the patience that only a father can extend to his own son, bought him a bright red bicycle complete with training wheels and a shiny bell on the handlebars. This bike is a little boy's dream come true. When it was unveiled to Ben for the first time, however, he exhibited no joy, no excitement , no thankfulness or gratitude. His countenance exhibited contempt towards his daddy and disgust at the beautiful new bicycle. (I don't really know why this was his first reaction. It got better later, but let's focus on the initial reaction.) It must have been tough for his daddy to see, in a moment of sheer joy at providing such a glorious gift to his son, a response of disgust rather than ecstatic surprise. And this must be the same sunken feeling that my Heavenly Father has when I respond to his precious gifts to me with an air of disappointment. I am repenting even now for such a lack of faith, such a lack of trust in the ways of my Father. He takes great delight in showering me with love and affection. I hope that my countenance inside and out will respond less with discontentment and more and more with gratefulness. The beautiful thing is that it is not my response that fuels or earns God's love for me. He chooses to love me regardless."The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." ~Zephaniah 3:17
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