The Lady-like Test

[This is copied WORD FOR WORD, including font styles and punctuation, from the original list written by Lei-Lei Gray (now Leigh Gray McKibben) in 1997.  My personal favorites are 8, 18, and 34.  Enjoy.]

The Lady-like Test

1.  Must be born a lady.  (NO EXCEPTION)

2.  Must be heterosexual.  (NO EXCEPTION)

3.  Can't chew gum in public.

4.  No burping.

5.  No passing gas in public.

6.  Can't wear brown (black) belt with black (brown) shoes.

7.  Can't wear brown (black) shoes with black (brown) purse.

8.  No dating a man who owns his own bowling ball.

9.  No dating a man who owns his own pair of roller-skates.

10.  LADIES ARE NEVER HOT!

11.  Ladies never use the phrase "...turn me on..."

12.  Never wear scuffed heels.

13.  No dirty fingernails!

14.  Ladies don't sweat.

15.  Can't own a truck that you can't get into in a dress.

16.  Ladies don't blow their nose in public.

17.  Ladies always know when jewelry is too much! (i.e.. five rings on one hand).

18.  Ladies don't use their chest as a wallet.

19.  Ladies never let their roots show.

20.  Ladies don't wear white shoes, EVER!

21.  Ladies don't pick their nose.

22.  No straddling chairs.

23.  Ladies only bend at the knees, never at the waist.

24.  Shoes can't be darker than your hem line.

25.  Ladies don't use toothpicks in public.

26.  Ladies don't "pee"!

27.  Ladies don't swear.

28.  Ladies don't ask gentlemen out.

29.  Ladies never take another's man.

30.  Ladies always wear slips with dresses or skirts.

31.  Ladies never use the phrase "...fart on it..."

32.  Ladies don't bite their fingernails.

33.  No spitting!

34.  Ladies don't use premenstrual syndrome as an excuse to be unlady like.

35.  * LADIES GO TO MARDI GRAS *

Pre-washing

I have had this conversation with a lot of other people, so I know I’m not the only one that has a habit of washing my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.  I suppose in some ways this is a remnant of my childhood, having washed dishes at my grandparents’ house where there was no dishwasher machine.  I also washed dishes at my own home growing up, probably because my mom trained me not to trust this “dishwasher” to really do the washing in full.  Having been trained as an engineer, I realize the flaw in this common logic, but I have allowed it to remain for many years.  Even today, I have a dishwasher in my home that is less than 2 years old.  This fine dishwasher must be of decent design, based on the hundreds of dollars I paid for it, yet I still place shiny, (not only rinsed, but scrubbed) dishes into it and then waste water and detergent by running the dishwasher anyway.  I did a little research and managed to find this article that actually clearly labels my habit as not only insulting to the design of the machine but also damaging to my dishes.  

NY Times: The Dish on Dishwashers

Apparently, if the dishes are too clean, with no food to attack on their surfaces, the dishes themselves can be “attacked” and damaged.  So, I am officially going to stop pre-cleaning my dishes before utilizing this perfectly good machine to do the work for me.

What I also realized this week is that my pre-cleansing mentality also affects something more serious in my life: my very soul.  As a believer in Christ, I have confessed that apart from his saving blood, I would be literally dead in my sin.  What that death feels like in this world is more easily discussed when we refer to it as simply failure and shame.  Ok, maybe those ideas aren’t that simple, but every human can understand and relate to the reality of our shame.  I don’t like to go before God or anyone else without doing a little “pre-cleaning”.  I know that only God can wash away my sin, but it’s seems easier for me to try to clean up my sin by myself, then go to God with a little less shame and a lot more pride.  I was convicted this week of that tendency, remembering the truth that there is absolutely no pre-cleaning required when approaching God.  He knows about the mess anyway.  If the dishwasher engineer is offended that we put shiny dishes in the dishwasher, how must God respond to our own souls as we come to him and report that we are thankful for his unending grace but don’t really need it, thanks anyway.  It’s ridiculous, right?  I know I’m not the first person to do this, because just as Adam and Eve were the first humans to sin, they were the first to attempt to hide it:

After Eve ate the fruit of the tree (and game some to Adam)... “The eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized that they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.  Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”  ~Genesis 3:7-8

Later, after God confronted Adam and Eve, exposing their nakedness (which, by the way, did not shock him), “The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.” ~Genesis 3:21

It’s pretty amazing that what Adam and Eve tried to do to cover themselves, God replaced, knowing their need and demonstrating his love for them by providing a much better solution.

In the same way, we too can know that we don’t have to wash ourselves, pay for our own sin, offer sacrifices, make deals with God, etc.  

So when you go before God in private, and when you go to a physical church, don’t pre-wash.  It can lead to more damage than just letting the savior do his work.

Prosthetists and Crossfit

I have been intrigued by this new (to me) idea of crossfit as a workout plan.  I asked a friend recently to describe the concept to me, and he said it is a mixture of gymnastics, weightlifting, and something else (I forgot the third one).  A crossfit "box" or gym offers a daily workout called, fittingly, the workout of the day, or WOD.  The best I can understand, members of the gym then show up when they want to and do the WOD either alone or with a group.  Part of the experience is to develop a team and have a support system to both encourage and push you to reach your goals on a given day or over a period of time.

One thing I have realized since becoming a prosthetist is that I am exhausted and starving at the end of a workday.  So, if I am going to work out, I usually do so in the mornings before work.  As I was contemplating this idea of the WOD, I realized that I already have a WOD.

The daily WOD for a prosthetist goes something like this:

• Modify and smooth 3 plaster molds: aka, intense triceps workout
• Lift some combination of mixed (wet) plaster and/or solid plaster molds, 10 reps x2: biceps workout
• Run or walk back and forth between patient rooms and lab, 10x per day: cardio
• Squat down and duck under parallel bars, back and forth 20x per day: glutes, hamstrings
• Squat down as low as you can in order to best observe gait, 10x per day: glutes, hamstrings again
• Try to sit up straight in your chair while writing notes: abs (just kidding, there is no sitting during the day)
• Grind and smooth test sockets or other devices in machine room: shoulders, back
• Loosen/tighten bolts with t-handle wrenches, unlimited/day: wrist, forearm
• Cut pylon with pipe cutter, 1-2/week: wrist, forearm, biceps, abs (if you are me, it takes all these muscle groups to make it happen)
• Lunch is optional

And there you have it, the prosthetist's WOD.  We don't need no stinkin' crossfit.

The 5 Languages of the 4-way Stop

If you’ve every actually driven a car, even in a small town, chances are that you have come across the inevitable 4-way stop.  I happen to pass 3 4-way stops on my way to work each day (and on the way home, of course).  I propose that these seemingly simple intersections with clearly defined traffic laws are a great place to observe the full scope of our humanity.  It is actually baffling, is it not, that we so often cannot (or will not)recognize whose turn it is to go?  

The rules are not difficult.  I am just going on memory here, but my understanding is as follows:

All drivers are required to come to a full stop upon arriving at the intersection.

The driver that arrives (and therefore stops) first will also go first.

If you arrive at the same time, a car to the left will yield to a car on the right.

That’s it.

The difficulty usually begins when one or more drivers fail to follow rule #1, come to a full stop.  If you never actually stop, how do you know who arrived at the intersection first?  Well, that’s where my analysis starts coming into play.

Some of you may have heard of the Five Love Languages, a great book that introduces and describes a concept related to understanding and knowing yourself and others in relationships.  If you are interested in knowing more about that, I’m sure you can find the book or just google the basics online.  What I am proposing is that there are also five languages that dictate our behavior in relationship to other people, and these languages are best observed at a 4-way stop.  Whether the intersection is busy or not does not change the expression of these languages, though I have observed that things are often more confusing when an intersection is less busy, leaving more room for creatively deciding who arrived first.  

The five languages that I have observed at 4-way stops are: legalism, pride, fear, generosity, and indifference.  I’ll describe each one in detail.

Legalism

The driver who approaches a 4-way stop with a legalist mentality is obviously there to follow the rules.  This person always comes to a full stop, always pays attention to other drivers, makes good eye contact, and confidently (but respectfully) goes when it is his or her turn.  If all drivers were legalists... well, let’s be honest, that would never happen.  But it would be nice.

Pride

This driver is the most important person on the road at any given time, so naturally they are also the most important person at a 4-way stop, regardless of whether they arrived first or not.  The prideful driver is not concerned about any other cars, any rules, or anyone else’s feelings (presumably).  Stopping is optional and usually not necessary or observed.  The only minor concern about other cars is that getting in an accident is not desirable, so the prideful driver will yield to others in order to avoid impending collisions.  Otherwise, it’s full steam ahead, and all the other suckers can wait.

Fear

Timidity is the hallmark of this driver.  Approaching a 4-way stop may be the most daunting task of the day.  The rules are either poorly misunderstood or just not trusted, because this person has a tendency to yield to others even when it is rightfully their turn to go.  Fearful drivers sit anxiously at a complete stop, hands at ten and two, eyes darting around with trepidation.  Should I go?  Should I wait?  They might let their foot off the brake briefly, but if any other driver flinches, they slam on the brakes again.  Oh dear!  The legalist struggles with this person, not wanting to go out of turn.  The prideful driver simply agrees that, yes, they are more important, and thank you for the acknowledgement.  

Generosity

This driver is pleasant enough, and selfless to a fault.  They may be the first of four cars to arrive at a 4-way stop, but nevertheless, they will wave each of the other three cars to go before finally proceeding with cheerfulness.  The generous driver is not as stress-inducing for others as the fearful driver, but the fact remains that things are not going according to the rulebook as the waving or light-flashing persists.

Indifference  

This character is the most squirrelly and difficult to predict of all.  She may be the mom in a minivan with kids raging in the backseat, a teenager lost in a daydream, or the young professional involved in an intense phonecall on his bluetooth.  Worst of all, the texter.  Regardless of the source of distraction, the indifferent driver approaches a 4-way stop with no clue as to what is happening here.  By the time this driver starts to try to go, the other drivers have already decided that it is not worth waiting for the space cadet to figure out it’s his turn.  This leads to a lot of stop-start false moves and sometimes even a near collision, which leads to copious honking of horns.  I wonder how many horns are honked per car passing through a 4-way stop on a given day?

If you’ve ever driven through a 4-way stop, you may recognize one or more of these drivers.  You most certainly ARE one of them.  So, which one are you?

Les Miserables

I’m enjoying a quiet first day of 2013, sipping on hot coffee, and listening to the soothing fall of rain outside.  I could do this all day.  I probably will ;)

A few nights ago, I went to see the new Les Miserables movie.  I confess, that after having seen the 1998 film and the musical on broadway in 2000, my grasp of the details in the story remained lacking.  Seeing the new film unfortunately did not help much to put together the pieces for me.  I have a hard time following the storyline when none of the characters will stop singing for just a minute and say something coherent for my little mind to wrap around.  Don’t get me wrong, the singing was phenomenal for the most part, the drama powerful, the emotion palpable.  The overarching theme of redemption is almost impossible to miss, regardless of how many versions you have seen or whether this new version was/will be your first.  I finally took a little time this morning to research the plot and characters, so some of the gaps in my understanding are now less gaping.  I feel better about it all, actually.  

**If you have not seen the film and do not want to know basically how it ends, stop reading here**

What touched me most in this new film version of Les Miserables was the ending, the last song titled “Epilogue”.  I’ve never seen on the big screen such a powerful picture of heaven.  As the characters are singing together about death, redemption, and new life, the screen depicts a distinct visual transition from dirty, dingy streets of death to a cleaner, restored, brighter, and happier city.  In this restored city, all of the characters who died in the movie are alive again, and they are together, and they are hopeful.  The consistent themes throughout the story of loss, poverty, filth, despair, and grief are replaced with the opposite of these experiences, with the redeemed version of each character.  A small segment of the lyrics during this scene are as follows:

Fantine (as Valjean is dying): 

Come with me, where chains will never bind you

All your grief, at last, at last behind you

Lord in Heaven, look down on him in mercy

Chorus:

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies

Even the darkest night will end

And the sun will rise

They will live again in freedom

In the garden of the Lord

...

The chain will be broken

And all men will have their reward

This lyrical and visual fire hydrant as the film ends is a very tangible depiction of what God promises us in Revelation 21:1-4:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the order of things has passed away.”

It’s a beautiful truth to cling to in moments, days, and even years of pain.  When humans are faced with the true mortality of this world, we can’t help but hope for something better, and thank God that he has promised to fulfill that hope.