The Discomfort of Thought

After a few years now of few and far between blogs, I have had a few – exactly 2 – requests to return to the old habit. It’s hard to start back into a habit, right? Flossing, keeping that dusting schedule, making your bed, exercising regularly… all are easy when they become habit, but once you stop, well you know how it goes. Anyway, I recently saw a very provoking question posted to Facebook by a friend of mine, very simply put, “Do Christians believe in the death penalty?” Simple sounding question with no simple answer. I almost dismissed the thought and moved on, but then I remembered my very own favorite quote and decided I better think this one through; the quote is from JFK, “Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought”. So here goes, returning to the blog with some serious introspection...

My gut reaction to the question was something like this… well, that depends on who you ask. Not all Christians agree. I believe in the death penalty, I think. I don’t always agree with how it is implemented or enforced, but I have no problem with the idea in itself. Or do I? Some crimes deserve harsh punishment. Some deserve the ultimate punishment, I think, but on the other hand there is that whole sanctity of life argument. Hmmm.

So I have thought about this on and off for a few weeks now. And my thoughts have become slightly more sophisticated but still lack a certain clarity that I desire. This is not a simple yes or no question, because whether one says yes or no must be supported by reasoning, motive, and sound logic. Why? Because the answer one offers must be arrived at by weaving a matrix of opinions regarding many other important questions and issues. The death penalty in itself is a simplified (sort of) endpoint to a combination of supporting beliefs. For example, does one believe in the sanctity of life, that all life is sacred and should be protected? Is there any distinguishing factor that would lessen one life compared to another? What about social justice? Is justice something that can and should be carried out in our world, by each other and by our government? We do have a justice system, as do most governments in the world. Is it the right and duty of our government to enforce justice? If so, and if they make laws and clearly make known the consequences for breaking those laws, is it acceptable for them to then apply those consequences? Which consequences are appropriate for which crimes? A fine for speeding? Confinement for molesting? An eye for an eye? A life for a life? Now we are touching on decisions that must be made for each government, decisions made by people of varying backgrounds, worldviews, and beliefs. Regardless of the rules, though, every person living under the established guidelines has the same freedom to follow them or to suffer the consequences. Then, if this justice system is good and acceptable in theory, is the implementation of the system good and acceptable? Now we are involving more people who must interpret, judge, convict, and sentence an alleged breaker of the law. Now we are entering into very gray areas. The black and white are nowhere to be found.

As a Christian, saved by grace rather than my own goodness or any resemblance of goodness, I do not feel the freedom to answer this question simply based on my feelings or what seems fair. So, I will try to peel apart the question to determine what is acceptable to my God, which I will agree with because I believe He is good and trustworthy.

First, is it acceptable for the government to establish a system of justice? I turned to this passage from the Bible for some insight on this question:

1 Corinthians 13:1-7
“1 Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. 4 For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience. 6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.”

That’s kind of harsh sounding, but if I am a believer in Christ, the Word of God is my authority. It seems pretty plain that God has called me, through this message from Paul, to submit to the government under which I live, a government which might "bear swords". Does this mean that all governments are good? I don’t think so. That’s an entirely different topic. But I’m only trying to answer one question, sort of. So I think the answer to this first question is yes, it is acceptable for the government to establish a justice system.

Is it acceptable for one of the consequences of crime to be punishment by death? I can’t honestly find any source that says it is not an acceptable punishment. For what crimes? I can’t find any source that says what crimes deserve punishment by death. I do think it’s interesting that Jesus was crucified, yet he did not try to argue against the practice of this form of punishment. Two other men died with him for crimes they committed, and he died in their midst for the sins of all of God’s people. Despite this atrocity, Jesus did not discuss the idea of crucifixion that I am aware of (please advise if I am wrong), nor did his disciples argue the practice in itself. The great injustice in this scenario was that Jesus committed no crime that Pilate, the Roman governor, could discover. Pilate, however, allowed the Jewish crowd to convince him to sentence Jesus to death.

John 19: 4-16
“4 Once more Pilate came out and said to the Jews gathered there, “Look, I am bringing him out to you to let you know that I find no basis for a charge against him.” 5 When Jesus came out wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe, Pilate said to them, “Here is the man!”
6 As soon as the chief priests and their officials saw him, they shouted, “Crucify! Crucify!”
But Pilate answered, “You take him and crucify him. As for me, I find no basis for a charge against him.”
7 The Jewish leaders insisted, “We have a law, and according to that law he must die, because he claimed to be the Son of God.”
8 When Pilate heard this, he was even more afraid, 9 and he went back inside the palace. “Where do you come from?” he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. 10 “Do you refuse to speak to me?” Pilate said. “Don’t you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?”
11 Jesus answered, “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.”
12 From then on, Pilate tried to set Jesus free, but the Jewish leaders kept shouting, “If you let this man go, you are no friend of Caesar. Anyone who claims to be a king opposes Caesar.”
13 When Pilate heard this, he brought Jesus out and sat down on the judge’s seat at a place known as the Stone Pavement (which in Aramaic is Gabbatha). 14 It was the day of Preparation of the Passover; it was about noon.
“Here is your king,” Pilate said to the Jews.
15 But they shouted, “Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!”
“Shall I crucify your king?” Pilate asked.
“We have no king but Caesar,” the chief priests answered.
16 Finally Pilate handed him over to them to be crucified.”

I can’t find any indication that God is against the death penalty. Murder, yes. Penalty of death for crimes determined by the justice system, no. Do I sort of want to feel that God is against the death penalty? Yes, I kind of think it would be an easier opinion to have, one that would not well up in me a sense of injustice. I just choose to submit my feelings to the authority of God, not because it’s easy, but because I don’t know any other source of authority to which I should submit.

My answer to the question, then, is yes, I believe that the death penalty is acceptable. Would all Christians agree with me? Certainly not.

In light of the recent execution in Georgia, which I assume prompted the original question, I would ask a different question of myself. Do I believe that the implementation of the death penalty is acceptable? In short, no. In some cases, yes, in others, no. I really don’t know all of the details of the recent execution to pass judgment or have an opinion as to whether justice was indeed served properly. Just as with any institution of humanity, we have a distinct strength for making a royal mess of all things good. Do I believe in marriage? Absolutely. Do I believe in the implementation of marriage by all people? No. The list could go on…

I will have to agree with JKF that the “discomfort of thought” is indeed far too often avoided, especially by myself. So, I hope you’ve been discomforted for a few minutes, long enough to agree with me that easy answers are hard to find for complex questions.

House Hunting: Good for the Soul

Why is house hunting good for the soul? You may be thinking, that's ridiculous - that process causes nothing but stress and strain, draining every ounce of your being in the process of draining every cent from your bank account. True. However, below are a couple of reasons that I believe this stress, strain, and drain is in fact good for my soul.

(1) Nakedness: No, I am not house hunting naked. However, as you probably know, your value, your identity, and your power are all boiled down to dollars in the process of making a real estate purchase. What is your salary? Your exact salary? What about the value of your debt? Assets? It doesn't matter what you wear, who your friends are, where you grew up, your daddy's name, or whatever else might give you an extra edge in life sometimes. All the ways that you dress yourself up for your work or your social life will fall away, and you are valued simply as the sum of your bank accounts. When you are staring at a page of numbers that sum up your value, it makes you feel very naked. This is good for the soul in that it challenges us to define what we claim as our value. I personally find my value in Christ, in the freedom that he died to provide me, and in the forgiveness that God grants because of his work on my behalf. What defines your value to yourself?

(2) Commitment: I am the first to line up as a member of Generation-X and claim my right to freedom of choice as well as my right to avoid commitment at all costs :) This is all very appealing except that it ultimately does not satisfy. The freedom that we crave to roam this world is ultimately a license to loneliness. I have been nomadic for the last 5 years, not in attempt to pursue that freedom, but in a time of career transition. I cannot describe the freedom that I feel as I am making a decision to commit (for the second time) to a job, a place, a community, and a home. These are not entirely known entities other that the job, but it is good for the soul to seek and accept consistency in the life we surround ourselves with.

(3) Purification: I am referring to the baring of the core of who we are before self, family, realtor, and mortgage broker. House hunting raises a lot of deep questions that looking for an apartment or rental house just doesn't dig into. What is it that you really want? Who do you really want to identify with as your neighbors? Why? What do you have to have and what can you live without (refer to previous point - there are only so many dollars to go around). It is a healthy exposure of our inner desires and a purification in the sense that we must sometimes accept that what we crave is not to be satisfied with any "thing" in this world. I crave a sense of home, a place of comfort, of acceptance, of carefree simplicity, and of relaxation. This is what some would call a fantasy - indeed - but it is also the desire within me that craves a life everlasting. I am reminded of this craving as I accept the realities of what a home in this world can and cannot provide. It is a purification of desire.

So, while my soul is a little bit uneasy and a lot overwhelmed, I am thankful for this and so many other areas of life that challenge us on the soul level.

Little Seed

I had a little seed. I buried the seed in some dirt. Seeds are supposed to grow, so I assumed that it would grow. Days went by, then weeks, then months went by, and the dirt did not change. So I talked to the seed, “Please grow, little seed. I really want to see what you can become.” But nothing happened. So then I prayed, “God, please make the seed grow into something.” This I knew would work. But it didn’t. Then, miraculously, something did happen. Something did begin to grow in the dirt. But it was not growing from the seed. It was a weed. As more weeks went by, a few more weeds grew, but the seed did not produce. Now I was having to work hard, pulling weeds just to keep the dirt free from them, but nothing grew from the seed. What a waste, I thought, all this work just trying to maintain the status quo, and no fruit. Then I decided, well, I’m already having to work at this… I’ll try to help the seed. So I started to add water to the dirt. Every day I pulled weeds and added water, and asked God to make the seed grow. The days went by and turned to weeks. People started to ask me why I was wasting so much time on this seed. “Are you sure it’s worth it, they asked?” I replied, “Not totally sure, but now I am accustomed to the work.” Then one day, it happened! A little hint of green from the seed peeked through the dirt. Finally! I decided my work was done. I stopped watering, stopped weeding, and stopped praying. Would you believe that the seed stopped growing? That little hint of green, that promise of rich fruit, just stayed stagnant. And the weeds kept growing around it like crazy. Now the people started to ask, “Why did you stop working?” I had no good reason. I wanted to see the fruit grow. I wanted other people to see the fruit. I wanted to believe that the faithful work was not for naught, and I wanted others to believe the same. But now I was busy with other things and did not have time to water and weed. So I prayed, “God, please help the little seed to keep growing.” Days went by, weeks went by, and nothing changed. Just more weeds. Finally, I decided that I must make time for the work. I made time every day to pull the weeds, to water the seed, and to pray for God to make it grow. And would you believe it actually did? The seed produced so much fruit that I could feed others around me that did not have seeds. Everyone began to talk, exclaiming of this great fruit. When they realized that work and prayer together could make seeds grow, they all began to plant seeds. Some grew weary of the watering and weed-pulling, but some pressed on and continued to pray for results. As for me, I was convinced - pulling weeds, watering, and praying for God’s help were a small price to pay for the rich and abundant fruit.

Who was Michael Cave?

Who was Michael Cave? The short answer: He was a teenager in Augusta, GA. He got sick 12 days ago, was unconscious within a few days, and he died 8 days ago. I didn’t know Michael. I saw his name and his picture on Facebook the week that he was sick. Many were praying for him that week, for his healing and recovery. The day after Michael died, I ran into his youth pastor in Augusta. Along with the harsh reality of Michael’s death, he proclaimed with confidence the glorious truth about Michael, “He is 100% healed. He’s with Jesus.” This was not a trite statement, not an empty catch-phrase said to bring false comfort, it was and is the truth, the reality of a promise that even most believers in Jesus have a hard time grasping. Michael was a believer in Jesus, and his family asked their pastor to share one thing with their church family 2 days after his death: He had no time. He got sick, and then he was unconscious before anyone knew what was happening. He had no time to ask questions of God, to wrestle with God, to decide once and for all if he would believe in this God and in His son Jesus. Thankfully, he had already made this choice. I am sharing this brief story because the question I started with, “Who was Michael Cave?” is the wrong question, though I have no doubt he was a great person and will be dearly missed. The right question for me and for us all is, “Who is Michael Cave’s God?”

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.” -Isaiah 40:28

Life and Tents

I went camping this summer, for the first time in a long time. I drove up to the campsite with a co-worker of mine, while her husband and my boyfriend had driven up earlier to go biking in the woods. When we arrived, the guys were still out biking and by the text messages they sent, they were really tired and worn out. So while we waited, we decided to serve the guys by putting up the tents so they wouldn't need to do so after such a hard ride. Laura encouraged me to put David's tent up without her so that when he got back I could impress him with my tent skills. So I worked and worked and managed to erect all of the pieces into this structure:

Unfortunately, the tent is actually supposed to look more like this (credit Sierra Designs):

Hmmm, showing off my tent skills was not really working out well at all! Lucky for me, the campsite right next to us had a nearly identical tent, so I was able to see the end product, start over, and have the tent in pretty good shape when the guys returned.

It's amazing the difference it makes when we have a picture of what the end goal is as we are working towards it. In all of life, whether it be in school, our work, competitive sports, relationships, or simply getting from day to day.... if we just have a picture in mind of what the goal is, the chances of creating a ridiculous and unusable tent are much lower :) So the next time you find yourself frustrated and disappointed with the tents you are contsructing in life, take a step back and look around... See if you can spot a tent to model yours after.

God Bless America

Sometime after my last post (ok about 2 months after), Spring began in Ann Arbor. I guess I didn't feel much like writing blogs when I could actually go outside without freezing my tail off. The summer was a good one, the highlight as usual being my favorite holiday, the 4th of July. I went to Mackinac Island (in Northern Michigan) to celebrate, and it was a great place to be for the Fourth. The largest attraction on the island, other than a large and very fancy hotel, is a colonial war fort, Fort Mackinac. A few pics from that weekend...



Directly in front of Fort Mackinac is a large grassy park area where people could just sit and relax, play frisbee, sunbathe, read, or in my case, work on a remarkable sunBURN (of course unintentional). This was a view from that park, looking out over the marina into Lake Superior. Mackinac Island is located in the Mackinac Straits, which connect Lake Superior to Lake Michigan (I think). I don't have a picture, but you can also see the Mackinac Bridge from the island. I think it is the longest suspension bridge in the Western Hemisphere.



Another interesting aspect of the island is that there are no motorized vehicles (with the exception of a firetruck and an ambulance). Everyone gets around by waking, biking, or riding horses or horse-drawn carriages. I snapped this photo of "Mackinac traffic" one afternoon:

By far the most popular souvenir from Mackinac Island is fudge. And for people like myself who don't want to buy the fudge, a popular pasttime is walking around and getting fudge samples from the oodles of fudge shops up and down the main drag. I particularly enjoyed this partriotic fudge arrangement in one of the shop windows:

Boat all decked out for the Fourth:

All in all, despite the unexpected and unfortunate sunburn I got, I really enjoyed the weekend at Mackinac Island. On Sunday before taking a ferry back to the mainland, we spent about 4 hours watching the Wimbledon final between Andy Roddick and Roger Federer. Wow, that was a great match and perfect ending to a very relaxing and fun vacation weekend.

Spring Preview

Let it be recorded that today in Ann Arbor, on February 1, the temperature rose to 38 degrees. And the sun was blazing gloriously in the sky. It was truly a day to remember in the midst of what most people here have described as the worst Winter they can recall.

I never thought I would say this about 38 degrees, but it actually felt warm. In honor of this wonderful weather today, I did the following:

(1) wore a skirt to church (not happening when the temp is below 30)

(2) drove around with my sunroof open (after the ice all melted off the top glass)

(3) sported my under-used sunglasses

(4) went running in only one pair of pants, and a top of course

(5) opened all the blinds so Kelsey could bask in the warm rays (and she did)

Just when I was about to break out the flip-flops to make this day perfect, the clouds rolled in and the sun disappeared. Ok, flip-flops were just a bad idea, but can't a girl dream? I am thinking spring, just like this ice sculpture I saw last weekend beckoned me to do:

Last weekend when I went to see the International Ice Sculpture festival in Plymouth, MI, the temperature hovered around 8 degrees all day with a wind chill of -9. Here are a few other images from that frigid day. In the meantime, I will be thinking of spring and hoping the groundhog does not see his shadow tomorrow.

Mickey Mouse

with Amy in front of some sort of warrior

Sculpture by "Team Japan"; they made all the impressive ones

Nancy and I with our new President

Whiter than Snow

I remember last year reading my friend Leigh's blog about snow... she too was experiencing her first real winter in Michigan (and probably her last). She wrote of the picture that God gives us in the Bible that when are sins are washed away we are whiter than snow (Isaiah 1:18 "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow"). As I have now been taking in the new experience of seeing freshly fallen snow, I've appreciated that it is truly a picture of purity.

I've also noticed that it does not take long after the snow falls in our midst for us to taint it's purity. I took this photo the other day while waiting at our downtown bus terminal. Notice the bright white snow on the far side of the driveway, contrasted with the yucky brown mucky slush that has been run over all day by buses. It would have to snow almost continuously for this world to remain "as white as snow", and the same is true for our souls. Thankfully, we serve a God who finds joy in continually forgiving and renewing us with his grace and mercy. My flesh is constantly tainting his handiwork (Isaiah 64:6 "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags"), but he in turn is constantly making me whiter than snow.

Typical January Stuff

The Pond Transformed

November 1, Fall

November 18, Chilly Sunset

November 19, Frozen!

(yes, the whole pond)

Winter Tally

As my first Winter in Michigan has begun, a few new items have become necessities, mostly things I have never had any use for before.

Ski Gloves (for biking to work): $15

Snow boots: $30, used (score!)

Warm hat: $10

Ice scraper: $3.50


Fresh snow on Christmas trees: Priceless!

Capturing Moments

I was never really interested in photography as a kid, though I did think cameras were very cool. As an adult, I've grown to appreciate images captured on film, or digitally, and I enjoy trying to capture my own. I've realized, though, that my appreciation of photography is rooted in a much deeper desire. First of all, I think there are two different types of photographs (this is just my perception, not necessarily the reality for people who know and study it). There are images that are created to be aesthetically pleasing, for which the context of them is either irrelevant or somewhat secondary to the beauty of the angle or color or some other visually appealing quality . I'll call these the artistic photographs. The second type is an image that is taken in an attempt to capture the very context in which it is taken, an attempt to capture the time and place and energy and emotion that were present as the shutter opened and closed. These are the realistic photographs. Now, I don't want to get all caught up in artistic versus realistic, as obviously those two terms are not mutually exclusive, but let's just say for the sake of my random thoughts that those are the two types.

I tend to crave the ability to take realistic photographs, to capture what I see and what I feel with one little flip of a switch. The reality is that this is a fairly unattainable goal. I realize that when I take a photograph in a particular moment, from a particular viewpoint, even I myself do not truly sense the whole reality of that moment when I view the image later. So my desire to share that moment with someone else is somewhat dashed. I am still happy to share a beautiful image, but I am disappointed that the whole of the moment cannot be captured.

As I am writing this, I'm wondering if maybe God feels the same way about his written word. He wants so much for us to understand just a little bit of how much He loves us, of what love truly is, of what unconditional love actually feels like, of how tenderly He adores His creation. But the words are just words, or are they? Can they look us in the eye and convey the compassion that He holds for us? Can they wrap their arms around us and assure us that we are loved? I have to say, I think God speaks to us beyond the words on the page, but I guess I am getting a little lost from the photographs. I just thought of that and had to throw it in.

Anyway, I think the underlying desire I have in trying to capture reality in a photograph is the desire to share the moment with someone. Not just share the moment with someone in the sense that they are standing right there and seeing the same image. More than that. I think I have a desire for someone, just once, to experience my perception of the world exactly as I do. I think there is great value in the fact that we all have individual perceptions and experiences, that we can discuss them and celebrate them and appreciate the same things in different ways, or appreciate different things in the same ways. But I think sometimes I just wish that I could share my little moments of appreciating beauty with someone in such a way that explanation isn't necessary. Wouldn't that be amazing? I have sort of realized, though, that I fall short every time I try to create this shared experience. I don't plan to stop taking pictures, but I think I will try not to expect anything from them anymore other than a nice way to bring back memories. Maybe I will discover some sort of artistic talent that does allow me to share moments with other people, but I have realized that photography doesn't quite fulfill that desire.

The Rise and Fall of Fall

The daily question becomes: Are there more leaves in the trees or under the trees?

At this point I'm just glad we can still see leaves at all.

Home in Michigan

I realized earlier today as I was walking around my little neighborhood that I haven't taken any pictures to share. So I just went for a stroll and snapped a few pics so those of you who will not make it up here (which is most of you) can see where I live. The community is a mixture of apartments and condos. Sara (my roommate) and I live in a condo which is really nothing fancy but is more than adequate.




You can see it is two story - those top two windows are both from my bedroom. There's also a very roomy basement which has come in very handy for storage. The one car garage is great, but of course it only holds one car. We have decided to rotate garage use on a monthly basis, and my month ended yesterday. There are some covered parking areas a short walk up the street, so I will probably try to snag one of those spots when the snow and ice get bad. It's a great little neighborhood with plenty of grass for Kelsey to enjoy on our walks. Like my place in Atlanta, there are little baggies for doggie "stuff" and little trash cans designated for said stuff.


One of the cool things that I probably don't take time to enjoy enough is a little pond right across the street. There are ducks and geese that hang out there, which Kelsey loves to keep an eye on. The ducks sometimes walk or fly across the street towards our building and go to the back of my neighbor's place for birdseed (or whatever she puts out there). So every few days or so I will see a big group of ducks right at our back door hanging out. I took a few pics of the pond - pretty picturesque, isn't it? I think I should take a lounge chair down there on nice days and sit by the water to read or something. Maybe I will. You can see a few of the little ducks in the second photo.

Fall... Winter

All of these pictures, with the exception of the last one, were taken on October 13, the last warm day here in which the temperature reached 70 degrees. I celebrated that day by going on a bike ride after work down a country road. Don't worry, I didn't take pictures while riding - I stopped to take them. I missed a lot of great views just because not every spot was great for stopping and pulling over, especially if cars were going by at the time. Anyway, here are some of those photos:

This was the ice formation on my neighbor's car Tuesday morning.

26.2!!

I had no doubt when my best friend Julie told me that she "might" want to run a marathon someday (after having completed a 1/2 marathon), that she would make it happen. While she hemmed and hawed about it for a few years, the desire was in her blood. She did finally make the decision to go for it, and in high style nonetheless. Julie does not just go out and "do" something half-heartedly. You might say, how could one run a marathon half-heartedly? Well, I don't know, but trust me this was not her approach. Even choosing the right race was important, and she managed to fall into the great fortune of securing her place as a runner in the 2008 Marine Corps Marathon. So she didn't just get to the finish line and get a T-shirt from a random volunteer - she had a medal placed around her neck by a U.S. Marine. Not bad. I would be remiss not to mention that Sam and Jenn also completed this amazing feat yesterday. And I must also add that my dad successfully ran a marathon in 2000, so he was my first hero to achieve this impressive feat. I happen to have a photo of Julie running her very first road race ever, the Cooper River Bridge Run. I don't remember what year it was, maybe 2004? You will notice in the photo she is running about two steps behind me, and now she is countless steps ahead. Congratulations Jules!

Faith

Just a little something to think about in relation to my previous post...

1 Peter 1:3-9
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade -- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

This is one of my favorite passages in God's word, yet I honestly didn't see the connection of it with my questions about suffering until yesterday. I have read and re-read these few sentences over and over for many years. It has to be one of the most densely packed statements ever written. The words were written by Peter to all followers of Jesus at the time, who he referred to in verse 1 as "strangers in the world". And he is pleading with them to grasp the truth that our position as strangers in the world should not be reason for despair but for great and lasting hope. He is not discounting the fact that suffering and grief are real. He is acknowledging the difficulty of this life and in the same breath proclaiming the importance of faith. It's true, we can't see Jesus, and niether could these early believers. The bottom line is that our faith is what will last, not because we are earning something through our faith. Our faith is crucial because it the vehicle through which we receive the salvation of our souls.

Good God + Bad Suffering = ??

I’ve been going through kind of a pensive phase for the past few weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always thinking about something, but a few things have consumed my thoughts more than normal. For some reason, being consumed with thought tends to make me less likely to write on this blog. So what I am trying to say is that usually what you are reading is just some random passing thought. And now, as a special treat, I will share some of what has been on my mind lately. I guess I usually choose not to write about such things because I feel like I am not a very good communicator. Oh well.

So I have been thinking a lot in the past few weeks/months about suffering. I don’t think I really know what it means to suffer, though I have had stretches of moments, hours, and even days of suffering in my life. I have several times suffered from physical ailments without the knowledge of whether they may end. This is the closest I have come to understanding real suffering. Intense periods of pain and even the impact of that pain on daily life are not nearly as horrible as the lack of control. It is the worst experience in this life to realize that - even with the help of our greatest minds and most trusted remedies - we are ultimately left in the control of a greater Being. Whether you believe in fate or providence or God or not, you cannot deny that this life is beyond calculation. I have thought a lot about this lately, the idea of suffering and more importantly the reality of suffering. This is no longer an abstract idea for me to discuss and occasionally feel, just for good measure. No, suffering is embodied in people that I see all around me. It is in the face of the mother whose child I am treating, a mother whose entire life was flipped upside-down and inside-out when her child was diagnosed with a disease that is incurable and will leave him dependent on her for the length of his life, for everything. Suffering is the face of a homeless man, hungry and dirty, yes, but also rejected, despised, and very alone in this world. Suffering is a man in intensive care, battered, bruised, and broken beyond what a human should be able to survive, and suffering is the family that watches him lay still and helpless. And then there are widows, lonely lifelong bachelors, those battling cancer or other relentless diseases, and those who feel they just can’t catch a break. Suffering is even going on in the lives of those closest to me, whether spoken or unspoken, someone I know and love is probably suffering right now - maybe physically, maybe emotionally. You may have been suffering just today. Are you lonely? Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel hopeless? Have you lost something or someone that you just can’t live without? None of us can deny or live above the ultimate truth that we cannot control our lives or the lives of those around us. So what is to be said of the One who is in control? Can He be good? I have asked this question of God himself, wondering how He could stand by and let so many people suffer, whether for short or long periods of time. If He indeed created each of us with tender and loving care, which I believe to be true, then how can He allow us to suffer?

Now you may think that I am going to answer the question I have just posed. But the truth is I really don’t know the answer. Or more correctly, God hasn’t broadcast the answer to me. I really am struggling with the idea that God allows this world and so many in it to suffer. Don’t you wonder too? Well, even though I don’t know the answer, I do know a little bit about God, and I know God. I know that God loves us. God does not love only those who deserve it, but just the opposite. He loves us all, and we all equally do not deserve this love. I know that God delights in being kind to us, in extending His great mercy to a helpless mass of humanity. I know that God has compassion on those who suffer, which brings me back to the original question. Why does He allow it? I know that this world is corrupt, but that answer just doesn’t seem to cut it when suffering is real. I have thought, as I am sure most people have, some people just had it coming to them. You make bad decisions, you live on the edge, or over the edge, and someday you’re just going to end up alone, hurt, disillusioned, and helpless. But seriously, that is ridiculous. Obviously many people suffer who do not fit this description. And then there is the fact that God does not love us based on our performance. I’m sorry to say (again), all the good behavior is not why God loves, and any amount of bad behavior cannot possibly be why suffering occurs. Granted, suffering of one innocent person can be caused by bad behavior of another. So I think I have thought myself into a nice concentric circle. If you are still with me, I apologize.

Just to be clear, I have not given up on God because of these battles in my mind. I think sometimes despite our desire to explain and answer every “doubt”, the answer is that there is no answer. The truth is that I cannot see Jesus, so I must rest in the little faith I have been granted. Just like Thomas in John chapter 20, I want so badly to see and touch and hear the voice of the One who is in authority over our world. Jesus says in John 20:29, “blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed”. I’m trying.

Beautiful Saturday

Today is October 4. It is 33 degrees outside, and there is frost on the ground and cars. Just fyi.

A few tips from my Canadian co-worker on how to stay warm:

(1) Wear a wicking layer, an insulating layer, then a shell for wind resistance.

(2) Wear a tuque (this is the Canadian word for beanie hat). If your feet get cold, put on the hat.

(3) Pee before bed. Less mass in your body = less to keep warm. Ok, sure.

Despite the frigid morning, it is looking like it will be a beautiful day here, and of course with a home football game the town is buzzing already. I'm thinking about paying a visit to the RV tailgating area just up the street to check out their partying style. Maybe after it warms up a little.

As the first snow is seeming to get closer, I must admit I am excited about seeing everything covered in white, particularly all the Christmas trees. My roommate keeps trying to correct me and tell me they are evergreens (true), but they are Christmas trees to me, and they are all over the place. The one pictured below is on the University golf course just up the street. Wouldn't it look great with a little tinsel and some lights?

September?!?

Seriously, where did September go? I can't believe it's almost October. I guess the fact that time is flying is a good indicator that life in Ann Arbor is treating me well. I'm almost finished with my first rotation with an orthotist at work. After this I will rotate one week with a certified orthotic fitter - fitting pre-made items like soft wrist and ankle braces, pre-made spinal braces, etc - and then one month with a pedorthist (all feet all the time). This first rotation has been almost 50% cranial remolding orthoses (lay term helmets) for babies with mis-shapen heads. The other 50% has been various knee orthoses, ankle foot orthoses, and some foot orthoses (shoe inserts). I've enjoyed interacting with patients and love seeing the babies, who will almost always smile when prompted, which is not true for all adults but most of them will as well. This weekend was my second one on call (the first was uneventful) and it started out before the weekend even began with a HALO install at the hospital Friday evening. Saturday we were called again and spent 4 hours in the hospital and another 2 hours today. Overall, it was certainly an educational weekend for me, but it was also beautiful outside while I was inside A LOT. My friend and co-worker Megan was the person I was on call with (so she was really in charge) and we had tickets for the Michigan-Wisconsin football game. We thankfully made it for the good part of the game but missed the pre-game and first quarter. The worst part about going to the hospital Saturday was directly related to my stupid parking mistake. Usually a trip to the hospital costs about $4 in parking. Knowing the meters are not monitored on Sundays, I decided to park at one (on Saturday!) and walk a little extra to the main hospital. So you can imagine my surprise when I walked up to my car and found not one but TWO parking tickets on the windshield. I really thought it was Sunday when I drove up, which doesn't make any sense, but I did. So now my attempt to save $4 has cost me 10 times that much. Won't make that mistake again!

Outside of work, the weather has been getting cooler each week, though still not cold, and football season has been fun. I took a few pics in the stadium yesterday. In the first picture, I circled where you can see some breezeways open to the outside. Those are at ground level, and the rest of the stadium is sunken in to the ground. So when we walked in, we were on Row 73, and our seats were on Row 18. This is great because there is not a fancy maze of roundabouts to hike up for getting around the stadium, but still, the stadium just looks a little short on the oustide. The second picture is a view from the oustide. So now that I have seen this "Big House", I must say that it is hard to believe the capacity is 107,000+ and that the reported crowd yesterday was 109,000+. A few ways they may have managed this capacity in such an average sized stadium: (1) the seats are no more than 18" apart (width), and (2) they make the visiting band sit on the ground by the field. I'm not even going to elaborate on how not loud the fans were, though things did pick up in the second half when the home team started playing. Overall, it was a good game, a beautiful day for football, and great seats.

View to the outside... row 73

From the street, hardly looks like a stadium!

The new box seats/press boxes.

Me and Megan, so happy to be outside instead of at the hospital!

The Wisconsin band - sitting practically on the field!

Oh, and lest I forget... The tailgating is not too shabby, though not as widespread as I had hoped. However, I must admit I have never seen so many cars parked on a golf course before. That's right, the University golf course is right across the street from the stadium and open on gamedays for parking and tailgating. I'm really surprised this is allowed, especially when there is so much available space outside of the golf course that is untapped on game days. See for yourself: